the harmonious notes of life

This year, despite a few bouts of depression, a few *really* bad spats with the husband and Yet Another Changing in Job, I think has, overall been good.

My weight has been up, which isn't a good thing, but I've finally decided to handle it - to work on it. Not wishing I would, or simply wanting to, but I've been making motions to actually *do* something. I joined a Taekwondo class. I adore the instructor. She teaches well, and she teaches to *me* - she doesn't shout for me to get my knee up if it's not comfortable to do that. She makes me want to work on things to better my techniques, to better MYSELF, not simply to do it because she's shouting at me to do it. It makes all the difference in the world. I'm feeling a little better. My balance is coming back to center again. I'm able to focus myself and my energy a lot better again. And, strange of all, I'm applying theories and techniques learned in Aikido to what I'm doing in Taekwondo. It's... kinda cool. (When you know how to focus your ki, and you have the mindset of not colliding, but redirecting energies, it's amazing how much *stronger* your kicks become. You're still colliding, but, your control over the ki is much... more precise. It's ... amazing.) I'm now at the point that I *want* to work on things outside of class. I bought a book from her to actually be able to work on forms out of class since to learn them, I need more practice than one lesson a week. It's... exciting. Seriously.

I found a way to get reinvolved in music, and I love it. I've become part of a woodwind quintet that will hopefully have a performance coming up next month (a short, low-key performance, but! Playing in front of people again!) I remember what I was told by a coworker at the last place I worked - that she didn't believe I'd ever play again, especially like I used to. She knew what she was talking about, too, because she played flute when in high school (/sarcasm). Pooey on her. The people I'm playing with are amazing, and are bringing out the best in me again. I'm practicing a little more regularly and *loving* it. My tone is slowly coming back to what it was, I'm back on a 3 1/2 size reed (Grand Concert Premieres, of course) and my technique is slowly improving (again). I'm only a shade of what I formerly was, but, that's more than I was last year. I'm /playing/ again. My clarinet is becoming an extension of me again. It's great.

My job. I've had multiple talks with one of the vets I work with that I don't want my job to define who I am. I love animals. I really do. I've worked hard to get to where I am, and I know I have a lot further to go before I get to where I want to go. I *will* be a career technician, but likely one that specializes, and possibly teaches. I love what I do, I love who I work with and I love the hospital I'm at. I agree with (most) of our policies, I appreciate almost all of our procedures. I trust all my coworkers. My office manager is appreciative of me, and tells me regularly. I know I'm being molded into a leadership position, and I've finally stopped fighting it. It's... scary, but I've also seen some really scary head techs. I've also seen an *amazing* head tech, and I fear she's too few and far between. So, I almost feel like I *need* to step into the leadership role to ensure they have something more like what I've had rather than what I know they (we) could get. Not that I'm a lesser of two evils, but I can protect them from the evils. So many things that go on there I could blog about, but, I choose not to simply because I don't think it's terribly safe to really let loose about your employer in any online forum despite how "protected" and "locked" it is. Even though I wouldn't have a lot of rants, there would be a few, and it's just not professional - and it endangers my job and my clinic's reputation. Eh. It doesn't need to be saved off for possibly everyone to read in the future.

But, back to my point. I don't want to be "just a vet tech". I have other passions. I have other loves. They don't define me, I know, but they are a part of me, and I'm finally expressing them all and balancing them. Sometimes it feels stressful to balance them, (it really is only work, taekwondo, music, Steve and my cats, but still!) but it's so worth it.

This year has been about finding me. Finding my center. And listening to what my body tells me. I'm pleased to see this now, and not to have to wait until the start of next year to be thankful for it all.

I am Patty. I work as a certified veterinary technician. I play clarinet well. I enjoy practicing taekwondo. I like to read. I can knit. I have 3 cats that I adore. My husband, as stubborn and frustrating as he can be, does love me and I love him even though we fight and bicker. I'm not defined by any one of these things - I'm not even defined by all of them, there's so much more to me. Maybe someday I'll define myself, but for now, I'm content allowing myself to explore and soar. Definitions seem so... final. I'm not ready to be finalized yet.

I have gone on strike. Well, kinda. I'm sick of eating out, and as such, I have declared I will be making dinners at /least/ 4 times a week from here on out. I'm out of shape. I'm tired of spending time in restaurants. I'm tired of not having a *homecooked* meal at all. Between me working (and being too tired to make dinner after work) and Steve too arrogant to spend his time making dinner, we've been eating out each night for the last couple of months. It /sucks/. I'm tired of it. The first week, it wasn't so bad. The second week wasn't even that bad. But now? I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of classifying what I want to eat based on geographical ethnicity.

I went to the store today (my day off) and came home with food to make 3 different meals. 1 of them for multiple lunches, but we'll see. Tonight, was beef stroganoff, which I forgot doesn't have cream of chicken soup in it. So... it was a ... different ... beef stroganoff. It was still good, but not quite up to my standards. And, it figures. The first meal I actually get around to cooking in the last month and it leads to complaints that it's not as good as it should be (because I screwed up).

Very irritating, but, I'll cope, I'm sure. Tomorrow will be pork chops (after work). We'll see how well that goes. I'm going to make it a goal to at least cook 4 meals in the next week. Tonight was 1. I have enough stuff to make 2 more meals, and I can probably squeeze another out of other ingredients I have around. So, like I said, we'll see.

I also stopped by the swim center and got my membership, so hopefully I'll get this fat ass in shape. I'm tired of being a Fatty McFatFat, and dieting alone won't work for me since I fall out of it too easily. Curves was great, but I've just gotten bored with it. Hopefully I won't get bored with swimming. We'll see, once again. I have a 3 month membership, and if I keep up with it over that period of time, I'll get an annual membership. It'd be nice to get rid of MegaArms and Thunder Thighs.

Yawn.

Today has been amazing. Simply... wonderful. Turning 29 hasn't been so bad. I got up this morning and lounged for awhile, then went to workout. That was nice. Went shopping and got a cute, sexy shirt and some nice, comfy trousers. Came home and had lunch and birthday cake! Wondeful, DELICIOUS birthday cake from Beaverton Bakery. (The strawberry whip cream one if you peek at the website.) Dinner at McCormick & Schmick's. I had ... some parmesean crusted fish. With garlic potatoes. It was yum. My waiter was a sweetheart. And when he found out it was my birthday, he brought me a slice of chocolate truffle cake. Oh. my god. So much chocolate. I think I'm set for the next month or so.

Then to Cirque du Soleil to see Varekai. Wonderful. Beautiful. Breath-taking. Just about everything you would expect of the troup. It was amazing. And all the while, I could smell this *wonderful* scent. Kinda herbal, slightly floral. Soft. Just... relaxing and beautiful. It was so nice. And the moral of the story (too bad for those who cringe at spoilers) is: You don't always need wings to fly. A rather significant theme, if I may say so myself. Left the show, chattering about how amazing it was, got into the car, and then it dawned on me what I was smelling. The lavender perfume I bought and placed on my wrists, backs of my hands, behind my ears and ... erm ... below my neck... I giggled. Yes! A 3 hour mystery solved! Case closed! *I* smell good! And god, I love this scent. It's one of my all-time favorite perfumes now. Mmmmm. Lavender. (solcita, if you're interested, I could grab another bottle at the next Portland Saturday Market and perhaps do a smellies trade? If you like lavender? Oh my god, it's very lovely.)

And then home for more strawberry whip cream cake. Today has been heavenly. Tomorrow, though, the carriage turns back into the pumpkin and stress retakes, I suppose. But, at least I had tonight.

... And I still smell good.

So, today has been a fun day. Up at 7, run to store shortly after 8, go directly to class. Quiz. Or maybe lecture. I can't remember. Guest speaker. Meeting. Class - lab. Quiz. Load car for Pet Expo thing set-up tomorrow. Wait for projector. Talk to dolores about what needs done. Get instructions from classmate because, you know, I'm fucking clueless and can't figure a thing out on my own and need to be baby-talked at. Draw on the chalkboard. Finally get projector to load into car. Reload car because the screen takes up the entire trunk + back seat. Get home to take Steve to tailor's to get his measurements for August wedding. Go to Curves for workout. Get home around 7:05. Tell Steve at 7:10 that I don't want to make dinner. Watch Steve throw a fit because I "waited until 7 to tell him that I didn't want to make dinner." Fight with Steve about "my job in the family" only to have it thrown in my face that it's *my* fault I didn't get home until late because *I* chose to volunteer for class stuff and *I* should have told him hours ago that I didn't want to make dinner.

ok. Because, like, my volunteer activities are much less important than his "requirements" to Debian.

Oh my god. So angry. Made Steve so angry he left the house.

I don't even know if I want to see my 29th birthday.

So sick of the fighting. So tired of the constant bickering. So. tired. Of. It. All.

Workout

Why is it when I have plenty of time on my hands I never seem to do anything productive with it?

We should be getting our car back today, then we'll take it off to get the oil changed.

I'm thinking about joining Curves again because I've plateued diet-wise and I always feel like I'm freaking starving, even though I well know I'm not. At least I've been able to maintain the 20 pound weight loss. well, it's fluxuated, but I've kept at *least* 16 pounds off at all times. So, that's good, but it's definitely not enough.

This will be my last week at work. The boss called me on Sunday and told me that we'll likely not be busy this week, so not to worry about 2 of the 3 days I'm scheduled. At first, I didn't know what to think. Now, well, I'd rather not talk about it. Let's just say that I'm /very/ hurt by everything that's happened there. I intend to leave on a positive note and not burn bridges, but... I'm very hurt. I feel used. I feel discarded. I feel like I put in a /lot/ into working for them - I /did/ sacrifice a lot. And now? I'm nothing. I'm just going to smile, get through my last day and breathe a sigh of relief when it's over.

Part of it, naturally, is that I need to be a /lot/ more assertive about what *I* need from my employers. I let them go far too long before finding out what I did. So, I can't blame them entirely. I also can't blame them for not giving back to me everything I gave to them, and I know I need to put that out of my mind - I'm taking it far too personally.

But, I can't help but take it personally. I mean, if I was *good*, wouldn't they want to keep me there? If they really wanted to, wouldn't they find a way to make it work?

Well, at least I have spring break to get my mind refocused.

So, like, I was 8 points over in my Weight Watchers diet today. I grumbled. then I remembered the long walks I took with a couple of the dogs at school today and counted those in. And the work I did at the barn before class and counted that in. And the laundry I did during the day at school and counted that in. Then I dragged my fat ass into the bedroom and cleaned like I haven't cleaned before (or at least in the last year or so. Man does stuff pile up when you refuse to do housework.). I have saved my weekly points. Yes, 8 points in activity today from leisurely walks, laundry and /cleaning/. Good lord!

So, yes. If I clean the house, I can have ice cream. Amusement.

I am finished with Fall Term 2005. A in Anesthesiology (I really don't understand how I pulled that off, but, hey.) and A in Physics (Yeah, when you know all you need to get is 62% on the final to get an A in the class, it makes studying for the final not so stressful.) I am at a 3.8 cumulative with only two terms left to go for my Vet Tech degree and 300,000,000,002 terms left to go for my biology degree (or so it seems).

My schedule for work this month looks pretty hectic. But, on the bright side, money and I'll get to know my coworkers better, which means we'll probably all end up working together a lot better before I start winter term in January.

Christmas shopping is /almost/ done. I still need to go shopping for Steve and for his brother and sister-in-law-soon-to-be. I'm thinking Moonstruck Chocolates or perhaps some fine quality Oregon wines. Of course, I could always get Steve's opinion on what to get his brother, but I know the answer will be "I don't know." with an irritated shrug, so I might as well do it myself (I probably like Tony and Julie more than he does anyway, but eh, par for course.).

And... I've been eating a lot better lately. Like, actually having vegetables with my meals! Gasp! And fruits! I've been snacking on fruits, wheat thins (Ranch - they're heavenly) and Quaker Quakes Caramel minis. My body seems to be much happier with these snackages. And hey, if my body's happy, I'm happy.

Now to figure out what to do for dinner. I should work on that. And I have recipes to share later. Kabob recipes! Of chicken and vegetables and of fruit and cheese delights. But, only for those interested in such healthy ideas.

..Improve his shining tail.

I'd like to express sincere gratitude to everyone who gave me well wishes and such over the last few days. Though I don't seem to be responding to them, all of them are very appreciated and welcomed. I thought people would think me silly for being so upset over such a thing, then I realized I didn't reallly care what the others might think. They're my feelings, it was my decision and most importantly, I expressed it all. I was quite pleased and relieved (even though I figured I shouldn't be upset if people DID see me as silly) that people were supportive and caring. Thank you to all of you for that.

But, I've discovered that the world doesn't stop for Patty to catch up, and as such, I have to move on in my life and accomplish the tasks appointed therein. I have a test tomorrow (which is going to be harder than all hell, which doesn't explain why I'm journaling and not studying, but eh. I've all but given up on the class in question) and a test Wednesday which will be hard, but I will do well on it. I know I will. I have to. It's Pharmacology and I love that class. Mmmm. Applied chemistry.

On top of that, I realized that I have less than 3 months to my trip to Brazil. That means 3 months to get into a sort of shape that will allow me to hike and walk and do other activities while in South America. It also means that I need to be down at /least/ one shirt size before we get down there. So. My goal:

I will lose at least 15 inches body-wide by May 15. Roughly translated, I should be down 1 pants size and potentially 1 1/2 shirt size.

I will lose at least 15 pounds by May 22. I'm giving myself an extra week because of the increase in exercise I intend to have (that whole building muscle thing).

And, following solcita's example, I will create a journal to monitor, reflect and otherwise track my progress and failures. It will be Friends-Only, so anyone who would like to be my nazi physical trainers, please let me know so I can add you to my friends list. My fitness journal will be lilac_summer for those who would like to add it to your daily insanity and if you would like me to add you to my friends list, please comment here.

Peace and Love

You know, I just realized. If I can keep this up, and do it often enough to shed inches, I'll be able to go to Six Flags and other fun places without feeling *dead* afterwards! Oooooooh! And hiking! I might actually be able to keep up with Matt and Martin next time I go to Portland! YAAAAAY! And I might be able to get involved in Agility (with Sally) without killing myself. EXCITING TIMES! Let's just hope I can keep this up - and that I *do*.

Here's hoping! And, for the record, I do feel rather energetic and a bit healthier. Steve made a comment last night that he'd like to see me healthier, and I think it's working. Hmmm, I should give an update on Steve as well. The last few weeks have been constant reminders why I fell in love with him and why I married him. He's been incredible. Truely. And I rarely tell people when he's being so wonderful. I tend to only vent about him when I'm angry, or we're fighting. It really seems like our fights lately have.. simmered out. We don't seem to fight as much, especially after we talked and I told him exactly why I'm supporting a possible move to Oregon soon (and, no, it's not because I want to live out there. This isn't exactly great timing for me.).

( Cut due to length of cute mushy stuff. )